


I'll be so Alone

by EndofTag



Series: Roses are Red [2]
Category: Tokyo Ghoul
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Fan made disease, Hanahaki Byou Disease, Letter, M/M, Unrequited Love, Vomiting
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-08-02
Updated: 2015-08-02
Packaged: 2018-04-12 12:01:28
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,091
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4478585
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/EndofTag/pseuds/EndofTag
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Hide discovered he has hanahaki byou, a disease where a person vomit rose petals due to unrequited love. If nothing is done, the person will eventually die of suffocation and or heart failure. </p><p>This is his letter to his precious friend, Kaneki Ken.</p><p>“Still it was hard to tell when platonic feelings begin to change, even for someone like me. But maybe it was not so much about change. Maybe it was just about being interchangeable. Like inevitable...a constant flow that trespasses time and sense. My love for you just exists.”</p>
            </blockquote>





	I'll be so Alone

**Author's Note:**

> This is the whole letter Hide wrote to Kaneki.
> 
> Title and lyrics were taken from the song “Alone” Tokyo Ghoul :re ost.

* * *

_Will you think of me?_

_Search for me?_

_I’ll be so alone_

_Alone_

\------

Blank white walls. No picture frame.

Plain pallid curtains lifeless by the window pane.

Simple white bed sheets covering his frail body.

Scarlet petals scattered across the bare room.

He covered his mouth as he felt the familiar violent rack shooting through his body. Once the spasm stopped, he only ever saw the constant blood red petals in his hand.

 _No blood. No regret._ A small smile curved his lips.

Letting the petals flow onto the colorless sheet, he gripped his pen in his shaking hands.

 

_To my most precious friend Kaneki,_

_We have known each other for a long time….12 years to now we have been friends. From the very first time I talked to you, you already have been my most precious friend, Kaneki._

_Even till now, I am still a rabbit. A rabbit that gets very lonely without his cherish friend. But I have learned to deal with it. Because I know you will always protect me in your own way just like I will always be there for you since the start._

_Looking back at our childhood, it was the happiest time of my life. We hardly ever fight, mostly due to your gentle personality than anything else. I know to you, I am like an explosion of sunlight in your quiet world. I am happy to have been your sunshine._

_And if I’m your sunshine then to me you are everything. Just like the play we acted in, you are the prince charming and I’m only a witch’s servant, ready to serve only you._

_Do you know, countless doctor stated how hard it is to pinpoint when the first stage begin? Usually many other just see the symptoms as inconsequential. Truthfully, who would ever think sporadically chest pains and shortness of breath will be indicator of hanahaki byou disease?_

_But then I should be a different case, right? Since, I am more observant._

_Still it was hard to tell when platonic feelings begin to change, even for someone like me. But maybe it was not so much about change. Maybe it was just about being interchangeable. Like inevitable….a constant flow that trespasses time and sense._

_My love for you just exists._

_I can still clearly see that point of time when my feelings exposed itself to me._

_It was your accident…the catalyst of everything unraveling in both our worlds._

_Me, who I can no longer hide or deny, face the reality of it. And you, who want to protect me, begin to slowly drift away._

_To many, my reality may seem cruel and harsh. But l wanted you to know no matter what anyone tells you, I have not suffered. To me, the pain I endured was just how much I was capable of loving you. The stronger the pain intensified, the further my feelings deepened by each millstone of wound it inflicted._

_Do I hate you for leaving?_

_No, I don’t hate you for leaving. It was the only one thing you know how to do. Just like me, you will have to suffer on through your own. But by protecting me, at you least you knew you will never truly be alone because I will be safe._

_You will have a home to return to._

_And I will be here to welcome you back._

_And I will listen to you as you ask forgiveness for leaving me, although there is no forgiveness to forgive because you did nothing wrong._

_And I will tell you about everything that has happened to me. I will unburden myself to you like I couldn’t at the start because I was selfish. Selfish of not wanting to lose you sooner. Selfish of hoarding my love for you. Selfish of wanting to protect you._

_And I will patiently listen to you as you yell at me for keeping it a secret, whether it was my love for you or the hanahaki byou disease._

_And I know you will hate me for just a tiny instant because I denied you the chance to support me. For being selfish._

_And I know you will quickly feel remorse after._

_And you will apologize a thousand times over for not being able to be here, for not being able to love me back._

_And I will softly hit you on your forehead for being dense on both counts. Just knowing you would have been with me, made me happy. And you do love me, delusional Kaneki. Though the love may be a bit different from mine, love is still love in its purest form._

_And then you will be the one this time to watch over me like I have watch over you during your absence from my side._

_And everything else will be okay._

_But I know this was not how it will be._

_I’m sorry I couldn’t be here to see you, Kaneki._

_Be angry at me if you must. Shout to the sky of your resentment. Cry like there is no tomorrow. Mourn over me until you can no longer feel anything but vast emptiness._

_And then look back to our shared memories and remember our good times. Laugh as you recall the funny moments. Joyfully cry at the cheerful moments we had together. And always be happy to have known me. Like I am happy to have known you._

_Please, don’t let this leave a blemish in our memories. Because I won’t._

_Do I wish for things to be different?_

_No._

_For it was this path that brought me to you._

_And you to me._

_Regardless of what may happen during the long road, the ups and the downs, I have always continuously walked towards you._

_So welcome home, Kaneki._

_And always remember, I love you._

_Sincerely only ever yours in this life and the next,_

_Hide_

 

Blood red petals dripped onto the paper…

* * *

Unbeknown to him, his goodbye letter will not see the light of day.

The trustee of the letter held onto it….waiting, just waiting, for an opportunity to give it to the intended party.

Days, months, years later...

will the frayed letter be warily held in trembling hands, be slowly open with hammering heart, be reverently touch as tears fell...

dripping onto the words, smearing the blank ink….

every word covertly treasure till the very end.

Only then will an agonizing scream erupt from a tormented soul.

\------

_Traffic light the crossing crowd_

_How will I live my life_

_Without you?_

**Author's Note:**

> Here is the link to my inspiration: “I can’t go on if you’re not here” http://archiveofourown.org/works/4266192 
> 
> Here is the link of the eng sub “Alone”: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ou0fyioP_HI 
> 
> Note about the story:
> 
> The person at the end could either be Kaneki or Hide.
> 
> Kaneki once he recovered his memories was given the letter by Nishio OR the letter could be the trigger to unravel his memory.
> 
> Hide was given the letter because Nishio got tired of Hide’s callous attitude toward his past/Kaneki Ken. The letter triggered his memory. 
> 
> Or you can make up your own scenario for which ever character you like.
> 
> Thank you so much for reading!


End file.
